So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
