I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
