At least make sure they are 18
Why
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
