I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
