A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize