matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want her autograph on my taint
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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