I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
