I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
