i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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