Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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