tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
