I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
