Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
