All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
