between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
