its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize