Your mouth is God's brothel.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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