dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
