Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
