Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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