What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
