yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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