Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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