We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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