Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
