My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
