awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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