Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Randomize
