apparently the secret to your success is patron
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize