I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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