remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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