You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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