why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love having hate sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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