I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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