I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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