I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
