I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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