That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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