i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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