He disabled his match.com account in front of me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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