I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
