The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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