I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
