i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize