just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
