I want to stick my p in your. b.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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