Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
