and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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