Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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