I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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