I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
