ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
