Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
