I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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