You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
