I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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