it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
