im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
