Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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