Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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