that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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